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i feel a dark feeling washing over me. it kind of comes and goes...but that nagging feeling is there.

i just want to crawl into a hole. for the first time in my life i understand why people use drugs and alcohol. it's a way to escape.

it's exhausting trying to do everything...if only it wasn't so damn rewarding! that's the part where i'm stuck. i'm exhausted. i'm tired of working to be the best and never feeling like i ever quite get there.

i feel hopeless in matters of the heart. the one thing i want more than anything is this world and i don't think i will ever have it. i can only hope to be plesantly surprised.

contrary to the first few lines of this...i am oddly happy. it's like i have 2 people inside. i don't want the negativity to bring me down, but it's trying. it really is.

i want to squash that negative voice forever. smash it into a million pieces, into an ultra-fine powder that will quickly dissolve in the wind.

i'm tired of letting that voice win. so so tired. i want to feel like i'm good enough, like i can stand with the best of them and hold my own. instead i feel like i'm standing with the best of them and at one point everyone will realize i'm a big fat fake. i want to belong. i want to stop obsessing over stupid trivial things.

i tried to think positive this time...and it's not working. what the hell. WHAT THE HELL. i might as well let that negative voice win.

maybe it's not the voice of negativity, but the voice to truth and everything else i think and am told is a big fucking lie.