Shock collars and rubber bands

I wrote this in a reflection paper for my Psych 461 class and its so very fitting, which I suppose, is why I wrote it.

"I think personal relationships, especially romantic ones, always provide good examples of how complex the human mind is. If our behavior is basically determined by reinforcement and consequences, why do people stay in bad relationships or get back together with people who treat them poorly? For example, a man/woman is continually treated poorly by their significant other so they break up with them...then get back together...then break up, etc. The man/woman is disappointed and treated poorly over and over; yet keep going back for more. From an outsider's perspective, they see the cost/benefit (negative consequence/reinforcement) ration as not being enough to stick around. However, due to people's different perceptions of what's going on, said man/woman perceives the benefits as outweighing the costs, therefore keep going back for more. My puppy Lola doesn't keep trying to escape from the yard when she gets shocked by the invisible fencing, how come as humans, we do things that are bad for us?"

Sometimes I wish I were more like Lola, I've been shocked and now I won't go back for more. However, my heart keeps wanting to go back to the very person who shocked me. Maybe I can't be "just friends".

I went on a date...it was very nice, but so very different than what I'm used to. All I could do was compare that first date to my one with Greg. When I got home reality hit me like a bus...We're so over. I'm single. It's ridiculous that even him going on a date didn't drill that into my head.

My heart is so attached and I hate it. I never thought I would be "that girl". I'm getting ready to send him a care package for goodness sake! Its like I keep trying to prove to him that I'm worthy...that I'm a good girl. When in reality he knows it, he tells me so. I need to let the rubber band go and if it snaps back, maybe its meant to be and if it breaks, then that HAS to be okay.

I don't necessarily want him back. I don't know what I want. The only thing I know is that I really do love him and he doesn't love me. And that's all there is right now.

"My love has no strings attached. I love you for free." - Tom Robbins

is timing everything?

Why is it so hard to cut the relationship cord? I went and saw Greg on Sunday and it was wonderful. It was the most fun we'd had since he came and visited me in December. There was no pressure it was just...us.

He went on a blind date and apparently it went really well. At first I felt like I had been punched in the gut, but an odd feeling of peace came over me. I do want him to be happy, I suppose that's how I know I truly love him. Her name is Maggie and she is a very busy and talented musician. He plans to go out with her again and they've been talking. I know how he is, such a charmer. I'm sure he is charming her to no end, which is why I don't get texts anymore.

I understand we both need to move on. We can hang on to something that doesn't work.

It's just the weirdest situation. We talked about how much fun we had together and how awesome it was. He hugged me like he didn't want to let me go and everyone in his house thought I was precious. We are friends, or trying to be. It seems a lot easier for him because he's excited to be single. I'm glad, its exactly what he needs. He needs to have boy time and get a little wild before he is ready to settle down.

He mentioned to me that it just wasn't the right time for us, and I had to agree. I confessed to him that I had a gut feeling that the next girl he seriously dated he would marry. An hour or so later when we were sitting at Starbucks he told me he disagreed. He said he would probably get taken advantage of a couple of more times then end up marrying a girl who was independent, wouldn't make/let him pay for everything, etc. Basically, he described me. Later he told me I was beautiful in one of the most sincere ways he ever has. I didn't feel like he was trying to make moves or anything, we talked and laughed as friends. He treated me as though I am just a wonderful girl in his life...but he doesn't want to be with me. It was easy and effortless and maybe that's it, we're better as friends.

He talked to me about coming to the Westside in the summer, how much his parents love me and how excited they were that I was coming to visit, and how I need to help him shop when he gets done with his season. I don't understand it. He said if he had been set up on a blind date with me, he would be obssessed with me (like the other three yahoos I've been on blind dates with). Soon though, he will have a new girl to do those things with and I will be off the hook...and I have a feeling I won't like it.

However, the question is...can I do it? I keep checking my phone for a text or call and they haven't came. I have to keep reminding myself that we aren't together and we won't talk everyday. He is talking to someone new and I have to accept that. Its a little hard, but I understand. I truly do. Of course, as he is moving on I am not. Andy's friend Brandon had been calling me, but not anymore. I'm not ready anyway, it would just be nice to have a distraction.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the reasons why we don't fit. He began treating me poorly and still doesn't see that. He wants control and he stopped caring and doing nice things for me. He got comfortable and started taking me for granted.

It was funny, we were talking about how I notice the little things in life and he said most of the time he doesn't notice them he proceeded to look me in the eyes and say that he takes them for granted. I'm probably overanalyzing it, but it was almost as though he was admitting to me that he had, in fact, taken me for granted. Once again, he admitted that he needed to be pushed.

I'm sure I'm reading too much into everything, but I suppose if it helps me sleep at night it works. The truth is...I will never know. That boy will never tell me and I have to accept that and stop speculating what is or is not.

We are not anymore. We are friends, or maybe we're both not ready to let go. Maybe we will begin to die out of eachother's lives and not talk anymore. But there is one thing for certain...

WE are no longer. We are broken and done. I'm ready to move on. I need to move on and I hope it happens soon.