To live is an awfully big adventure.

Last time I wrote was in June...fast forward to November. Oh my, how things have changed.

Greg situation = DONE. I let him dick me around all summer and finally in the beginning of September I was done. Haven't talked to him much since. He says he loves me, in fact, he was telling me that a week before he got in a relationship with someone else. What a jerk, not to me, but to the girl he was/is seeing.

Andy = DONE. I hooked him up with my lovely friend Elizabeth. They are in love and will probably get married. I miss having him to myself and he truly is the best boyfriend to her. I may regret this someday, but only time will tell.

Brandon (Rock climber) = DONE. Talked a bit this summer, never saw eachother, never going to happen. He was a rebound. I still feel bad about what happened, but he's a big boy. Live and learn.

And then there was this one night in July...

The day I sat and listened to my friends talk about their relationships and how happy I was not to be in one. This was also the night that I met a boy that I got all crazy for. Super handsome and super fun. We had a summer filled with nights of wine and dancing in the rain. We are still dating and things seem to be going well. He is not the typical boy. He doesn't really dote and I've had to kind of be the "boy", but he is getting better. I'm not sure where things will end up, but we've both decided we want to see where things go. We live about 45 min away from each other and since I live with my parents at the moment, I end up driving to see him a majority of the time. However, I wish he would come see me more, which is something that will need to be discussed. We are taking it very slow and are both enjoying just getting to know each other. I guess we'll see...

Another random note: I love running. It is and will always be my one true love. :)

Adventures in dating.

Well it happenend. The words I have been waiting for Greg to say since Februrary, have finally been said...sort of...and over text. Ick. I'm going to lay out the conversation so maybe I can wrap my head around it more.

Me: "You know I love gun shows. :) Get it!!!"
G: "Hehe got it. I love guns and girls :)"
Me: "Yes you do :)"
G: " and you of course :)"

I have gone over this a million times since Monday (when it happened). There is no possibly way I am misinterpreting this! He doesn't just say things like that, he may say a lot of stupid stuff, but he wouldn't be that much of a jerk. The funny part is, is that I was so happy, then I got super annoyed. It took him THIS long to say it AND he does it half-assed over text. I don't know why I'm surprised, it's typical of him.

...............

I have another situation on my hands, two more actually...

Number 1.

The rock climber. He is the boy I went on the date with...and two AMAZING dates since then. Although the first date was a little rocky, the second one was...well...perfect. By far the best date I have ever been on. We had a nice dinner, a bottle of wine and went back to his place. We talked, laughed, drank some more, and lets just say, things went very well. :) He is completely different from Greg, in the best way possible. He is caring, passionate, and has a positive love for life. Greg was such a negative person.

So we went on another date this past Thursday (the night before I left Ellensburg) and it was another great one, until. Yes, until. Things got quite intense and we ended up doing the deed. Not a big deal except one tiny detail...he was a virgin. He mentioned he always thought he would wait until he got married. I really did try to get him to wait because I didn't want to be the girl he regretted, but he really wanted to. So we did.

The next morning I left and sent him a text...to which he didn't respond. I sent another one the next day as damage control...and he didn't respond. Finally Sunday rolls around and he wrote me back. He said that he was distraught over his actions and didn't want to talk to anyone. He said that my texts didn't freak him out and that he still thinks I'm awesome and hopes to see me more. I told him I was sorry if I caused him trouble and that I felt horrible (because I really do). He said not to, it was him who pushed and he was glad it was with me. He had surgery Monday so he told me he would call me next week when he felt better.

I feel like I made this situation a mess. I didn't go into this expecting anything but a good time, but the thing is, I think I really like this boy. He is so different from me, but he has a passion and love for life that is refreshing. I met him when I was having trouble with Greg and was feeling dead inside. Rock climber had a hand in bringing me back to life. He is an inspiring fella. So, hopefully he calls.

.............

Now, the last situation. The roommate/bestfriend situation.

I've always known he has had a crush on me and have really tried to ignore it. He gets jealous when I date other people and does the most amazing things for me.

Friday he met my family, and they loved him. It felt so right having him there, it really did. I have begun to see him a different light and he asked me out on a date.

The problem is, I know that if we dated it would be very serious. Like possible marriage serious; he is that wonderful of a guy. I just (A) don't know if I am ready for that (B)we have dated eachothers friends...it seems innappropriate and too soon on my part (C) I need to date different people right now, and (D)is it really there?

I have never felt that surge of attraction as I have with others. I feel like the spark and butterflies are missing. Of course, the spark and butterflies have always left me with nothing. I'm confused.

However, I did talk to him and said that although right now isn't a good time to say "oh hello, we're dating", that I am not ruling anything out and if we spend time together and something blossoms, great, if not, we will remain friends. I also told him I plan on hanging out with other boys and he better not get mad, just like I can't get mad if he hangs out with other girls. There are a couple of problems, I am still in love with Greg (PLEASE do not ask me why) and I really like the rock climber. I'm confused and have no business giving my heart to anyone right now.

So we are going to dinner. Who knows what will happen. He is, however, the most kind and genuine boy I have ever met. He would treat me like a princess. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. Oh and my sister also pointed out "he won't be around forever"...which is true.

I don't want to worry too much about the future. I just want to take it one day at a time and enjoy this life I've been given. If things transpire, they do, and if not, that's okay too. :)

Shock collars and rubber bands

I wrote this in a reflection paper for my Psych 461 class and its so very fitting, which I suppose, is why I wrote it.

"I think personal relationships, especially romantic ones, always provide good examples of how complex the human mind is. If our behavior is basically determined by reinforcement and consequences, why do people stay in bad relationships or get back together with people who treat them poorly? For example, a man/woman is continually treated poorly by their significant other so they break up with them...then get back together...then break up, etc. The man/woman is disappointed and treated poorly over and over; yet keep going back for more. From an outsider's perspective, they see the cost/benefit (negative consequence/reinforcement) ration as not being enough to stick around. However, due to people's different perceptions of what's going on, said man/woman perceives the benefits as outweighing the costs, therefore keep going back for more. My puppy Lola doesn't keep trying to escape from the yard when she gets shocked by the invisible fencing, how come as humans, we do things that are bad for us?"

Sometimes I wish I were more like Lola, I've been shocked and now I won't go back for more. However, my heart keeps wanting to go back to the very person who shocked me. Maybe I can't be "just friends".

I went on a date...it was very nice, but so very different than what I'm used to. All I could do was compare that first date to my one with Greg. When I got home reality hit me like a bus...We're so over. I'm single. It's ridiculous that even him going on a date didn't drill that into my head.

My heart is so attached and I hate it. I never thought I would be "that girl". I'm getting ready to send him a care package for goodness sake! Its like I keep trying to prove to him that I'm worthy...that I'm a good girl. When in reality he knows it, he tells me so. I need to let the rubber band go and if it snaps back, maybe its meant to be and if it breaks, then that HAS to be okay.

I don't necessarily want him back. I don't know what I want. The only thing I know is that I really do love him and he doesn't love me. And that's all there is right now.

"My love has no strings attached. I love you for free." - Tom Robbins

is timing everything?

Why is it so hard to cut the relationship cord? I went and saw Greg on Sunday and it was wonderful. It was the most fun we'd had since he came and visited me in December. There was no pressure it was just...us.

He went on a blind date and apparently it went really well. At first I felt like I had been punched in the gut, but an odd feeling of peace came over me. I do want him to be happy, I suppose that's how I know I truly love him. Her name is Maggie and she is a very busy and talented musician. He plans to go out with her again and they've been talking. I know how he is, such a charmer. I'm sure he is charming her to no end, which is why I don't get texts anymore.

I understand we both need to move on. We can hang on to something that doesn't work.

It's just the weirdest situation. We talked about how much fun we had together and how awesome it was. He hugged me like he didn't want to let me go and everyone in his house thought I was precious. We are friends, or trying to be. It seems a lot easier for him because he's excited to be single. I'm glad, its exactly what he needs. He needs to have boy time and get a little wild before he is ready to settle down.

He mentioned to me that it just wasn't the right time for us, and I had to agree. I confessed to him that I had a gut feeling that the next girl he seriously dated he would marry. An hour or so later when we were sitting at Starbucks he told me he disagreed. He said he would probably get taken advantage of a couple of more times then end up marrying a girl who was independent, wouldn't make/let him pay for everything, etc. Basically, he described me. Later he told me I was beautiful in one of the most sincere ways he ever has. I didn't feel like he was trying to make moves or anything, we talked and laughed as friends. He treated me as though I am just a wonderful girl in his life...but he doesn't want to be with me. It was easy and effortless and maybe that's it, we're better as friends.

He talked to me about coming to the Westside in the summer, how much his parents love me and how excited they were that I was coming to visit, and how I need to help him shop when he gets done with his season. I don't understand it. He said if he had been set up on a blind date with me, he would be obssessed with me (like the other three yahoos I've been on blind dates with). Soon though, he will have a new girl to do those things with and I will be off the hook...and I have a feeling I won't like it.

However, the question is...can I do it? I keep checking my phone for a text or call and they haven't came. I have to keep reminding myself that we aren't together and we won't talk everyday. He is talking to someone new and I have to accept that. Its a little hard, but I understand. I truly do. Of course, as he is moving on I am not. Andy's friend Brandon had been calling me, but not anymore. I'm not ready anyway, it would just be nice to have a distraction.

I just have to keep reminding myself of the reasons why we don't fit. He began treating me poorly and still doesn't see that. He wants control and he stopped caring and doing nice things for me. He got comfortable and started taking me for granted.

It was funny, we were talking about how I notice the little things in life and he said most of the time he doesn't notice them he proceeded to look me in the eyes and say that he takes them for granted. I'm probably overanalyzing it, but it was almost as though he was admitting to me that he had, in fact, taken me for granted. Once again, he admitted that he needed to be pushed.

I'm sure I'm reading too much into everything, but I suppose if it helps me sleep at night it works. The truth is...I will never know. That boy will never tell me and I have to accept that and stop speculating what is or is not.

We are not anymore. We are friends, or maybe we're both not ready to let go. Maybe we will begin to die out of eachother's lives and not talk anymore. But there is one thing for certain...

WE are no longer. We are broken and done. I'm ready to move on. I need to move on and I hope it happens soon.

merry go round

"Yes I love him. More than anything in this world and there is nothing I would like better to hold onto him forever. But I know its not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this." -Unknown

We broke up...yet again. I spent the last couple of months driving my self crazy trying to hold on to him...way too tightly. He wasn't necessarily treating me right and I continued to put up with it. I think I cried every single day about something. Was part of it me being overdramatic? Yes. Was he being an asshole? That too. I once again put all my feelings out there and he got mad. Emotionally I couldn't do it anymore.

He will be gone (home periodically) the next six months and I think its good we take at least a break. We are still talking and I saw him this weekend, but its hard. I know he will be the one to move on first. I mean, I don't exactly have the fellas scratching at my door. When he does it will hurt, but I'm preparing. He needs time to be single and make mistakes, he says he hates being single, but his actions say he certainly isn't ready for the same type of relationship I am.

We are in two different places and there really aren't any hard feelings. I think we will stay friends. The whole "exes can't be friends" thing is bs. People have that so engraved in their minds that it becomes a self full-fulling prophecy.

I've changed a lot since September. In both good ways and bad. I know what its like be in love and I know what heartbreak feels like. Heartbreak certainly isn't fun, that's for sure. There are so many things I've become accoustomed too. Silly little things, like a text every night and morning. It was nice to know that someone was thinking about me when he woke up and before he went to bed. I don't get those anymore...well not as much. Soon he will be doing that with another girl and I will be alone.

I know I'm having a pity party. I just miss him and I. I also have to realize that if we are really, truly, meant to be (which I'm not so sure about), we will come back to eachother...even if we do date other people.

All I can hope for is that we both end up happy and that we never hate each other. Oddly enough we are the same in that way. I truly believe that no matter what we will look back on our relationship, smile, and continue to be special to each other.

love, life, and new begginings

My sister just called...she is PREGNANT!!! I'm going to be an aunt I couldn't be more excited about it. :D

On another note, Greg and I broke up. We decided to try and work it out and he began doubting his feelings again. I just went to him and asked me if he wanted to be with me and he said he didn't know. I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I planned to cut off all communication and that lasted about, oh, 2 days. Now we are talking all the time and hanging out and I don't know what the future holds. Today he was talking about dramatic girls and kind of indicating that maybe he could find a better girlfriend than me. It really hurt..a lot. I don't know if I can hang out with him anymore. It hurts every time and I want to move on. Yet, I want to spend time with him before he leaves for his hot shot fire season. We will see.

Life works in funny ways, who know what the future holds.

I'm so excited to be an aunt, I can't say that enough. :)

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” Erica Jong

It finally happened. I fell in love. 4 days after that post was written was the first night of an amazing thing. He was my friend, and it turned into something more. More than I could ask for.

I feel stupid for falling so quick, but I'm here and I don't want to go back. The last couple of weeks have been hard on us and he feels the same, but he is afraid to continue on.

I have told him how I feel. I have given him my heart and now its his to break. His heart is saying no, but his head is telling him to run.

He feels emotions when he is with me, a boy for all purposes says he doesn't cry, was teary eyed. A boy who says he doesn't smile, smiles when he is with me.

He is afraid of losing me but afraid of keeping me.

I know what his heart wants to do, because I can see it in his eyes, but he wants to listen to his head.

I put him back together and gave him hope again. He helped me be someone I never thought I would be. So here we are...in limbo.

Whatever happens I'm happy I got to experience this. Even if it means my heart being broken.

I will be okay. I am not mad at him. He will always have a place in my heart.

I'm just falling to pieces, but in the best possible way.