cut me down.

maybe he's my mr.big. carrie and i are quite bit alike.

it doesn't seem right to have someone who has hurt me and isn't good for me creep into my thoughts. i am not the type of girl to let people treat me poorly, hell i could have very possibly just ruined a friendship over it. for some reason, he has some sort of hold over me. just like big did with carrie.

i made a grand gesture and he reciprocated. i think i will just leave it at that. i have gotten what i needed, i feel more at peace. i just catch myself leaping to the future and thinking, "well maybe again someday." i think i'm going to leave it be. i'm ready to tuck this experience safely into the very bottom of my heart and start fresh. that's why i came here, a fresh start.

speaking of starting fresh, my fresh start is already beggining to turn a bit sour. i think jake is really upset with me. i was in the right, he had no right to be the way he was, he was out of line. i am being the bigger person, i called him. the ball is in his court. if he doesn't call, then he wasn't my friend to begin with. once i'm friends with someone, i'm friends for life. i don't intend on throwing that aside because of a stupid arguement, but i'm not also going to let someone sit there and hurt my feelings.

and maybe he was right, maybe i am being ridiculous, but i feel more alone now then i ever have in my entire life. lindsey and i have virtually no friendship left. my dad is getting worse. he swears he isn't doing that shit anymore, but i'm not sure i believe him. he and heike's marriage is falling apart. he's falling apart. i know he will get better though, it's just a setback. he'll be fine.

i know things will be okay. i am an incredibly strong person and i've seen and dealt with enough in 20, almost 21 years, that i know anything that god decides to throw at me i can handle. i'm not worried about that. sometimes i just get tired. i am really truly happy though, i'm just a little dark and twisty, but happy. i have blessed with so much and i need to remember that. besides, i can't let people down, i'm the bright and shiny light. people need me to be happy, i need them to need me. that's what i was put on this earth for, to make others smile.

so tomorrow i will wake up, put on my makeup, and face the day with a smile on my face. it's all i can do. i can't dwell on my problems, i could have it so much worse. besides, i do like it here.

sometimes i just wish i had someone lay my head on and tell me it's all going to be okay, because even though i know deep down it will be, sometimes it's nice to hear it come out of someone else's mouth.